Here they come
by Lady LeBeau
Summary: The characters from LotR experience their first Mary Sues and learn how to deal with them. So far, Faramir, Denethor, Gimli, Lurtz, Theoden, and Wormtongue have been 'Sued. I will take requests...
1. Faramir

Title: Here they come...  
  
Rating: PG for now, because of a bit of violence.  
  
Summary: The characters from LotR experience their first Mary Sues and learn how to deal with them. Hopefully including, in the future, very unlikely characters such as Saruman and Theoden.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LotR. I wish I owned Faramir, but I don't. I only own Bob and Halithiena the Mary Sue, but I don't want to. *shudder* I also got some ideas from "The Story of Legolas and Enoreth" () by CNell. It's very good, and really funny-read it!  
  
Chapter 1 Summary: Faramir has to deal with his first Mary Sue. As the only one in Minas Tirith not under her spell, it is his responsibility to get rid of her.  
  
Author's Note: This is my first MS bashing fic, and I can't write humor too well, so be nice! This also takes place before the War of the Ring, so Boz and Denethor are still alive.  
  
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"Captain! There's someone at the gate!" a guard shouted. Faramir made his way down as quickly as he could. Boromir, already there, looked over the wall.  
  
"It's a woman, and it looks like she's injured," he said. "Open the gate!" Guards crowded around as the girl was carried in. She was stunningly beautiful, but to Faramir's eyes, she looked strange, without any depth in a strange way. Her long hair shone like sunlit gold. Her eyes fluttered open. They were the color of the sea, and large for her fair face. Everyone present, except Faramir, felt that they would do anything those eyes asked of them.  
  
"Ohh...where am I?" she asked. Her already large eyes widened. "No! You cannot keep me here! He will find out I am here, and attack! You will all be killed!"  
  
Boromir replied, "Who? Who hunts you?" He couldn't tear himself away from those eyes. Faramir couldn't see what was so wonderful about this girl. She was beautiful, yes, but she seemed out of place. She couldn't be real, she was too perfect.  
  
"The evil wizard Vervaine the Purple, who was banished from the High Council," she answered. Faramir was skeptical. iVervaine the Purple? That can't be right...no one exists by that name!/i Boromir, however, either didn't know or didn't care.  
  
"Know this, fair lady: the men of Gondor are sworn to protect. We will never turn down a challenge, nor fail to protect anyone in need!" he said bravely, drawing his sword.  
  
"Ai!" the woman cried. "I fear that those words will be in vain! Vervaine has weapons you know naught of! He is sworn to destroy me, Halithiena, Lady of the Golden Star!"  
  
" 'Golden Star'? Why 'Golden Star'? Faramir asked.  
  
"Because it sounds pretty. But that's beside the point. If you keep me here, you will all be in mortal danger!" She held her hand to her forehead dramatically.  
  
"We do not care. Now, let's get you into the Houses of Healing, where we will tend your wounds," Boromir said.  
  
"I-I don't think I can walk," Halithiena said shakily. Half the guards immediately volunteered to carry her in. "Maybe...ihe/i can help me walk in?" She looked at Faramir.  
  
He didn't really know how to react, so his noble training took over. "As you wish, my lady." Helping her to stand, he escorted her into the Houses of Healing. He set her down on the bed, and whipped around as his father walked in. His father gazed down at Halithiena.  
  
"She is as beautiful as your mother," he said quietly, touching her cheek. Faramir became even more suspicious. His father was never this sensitive. It seemed like this...icreature/i had some sort of influence over everyone except him. iI wonder why.../i He shrugged and walked out.  
  
***********************************  
  
The tower was your standard castle of doom, complete with spiky black towers, black gargoyles, and a swirling vortex of lightning-ridden clouds above it. Inside, standing on a chair, a wizard with purple robes, a purple hat, a purple staff, and a purple goatee was doing what he did best: laughing maniacally.  
  
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! So, she thought she could escape me, did she?" He held up a purple-tinted crystal ball, in which was shown Halithiena lying on a bed in the Houses of Healing. Purple smoke wreathed around his form. "Not even the walls of the greatest city of Men will keep what I seek from me. I am coming, my Black Phoenix, soon to be most powerful of my slaves! Nothing shall keep you and what you carry from my grasp now. All shall fear the might of...VERVAINE THE PURPLE!!!!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!"  
  
A small, sarcastic voice muttered, "I'm Vervaine the Almighty, oh yes, everybody bow down to me because I'm soooooo powerful....ohh, I'm shakin', I'm shakin'...."  
  
Vervaine turned to a small, hunched-over shadow half-hidden by the smoke. He thwacked him on the head.  
  
"Shut UP Bob, you ruined my scene AGAIN!" Vervaine shouted angrily. The figure, now known as Bob, said, "Owch....my 'ead! Master, couldn't you be a little softer with that there staff o' yers?"  
  
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Halithiena recovered from her wounds quickly. She quickly earned the annoyance of most of the women by being way too dramatic over minor matters, and being the only thing that their boyfriends and husbands would talk about. After a few days, she was energetically walking around, frequently asking for Faramir's company. Because it would be rude to refuse the request of a lady, Faramir reluctantly complied. During one of these walks, she began to tell him her life story.  
  
"I am the princess of the Lost Kingdom of Tealothia," she explained. "I led a happy life. I was loved by all, the most beautiful maiden in the kingdom," she began. Faramir began to yawn. Not noticing, Halithiena continued, "For many years I lived in happiness. Then, tragedy struck. The evil wizard, Vervaine the Purple, heard of a secret our family has hid for generations. You have heard of the Rings of Power?" Faramir, who was almost asleep, started.  
  
"Wha-? Oh, yes, the Rings of Power. Of course."  
  
Halithiena looked a little insulted that he hadn't been hanging on her every word, but nonetheless spoke on. "Our family has had a Ring of Power, the most powerful of all, forgotten by everyone but us, for many years. When Vervaine found out about this, he wished to have the ring for his own, and rule over Middle Earth." There was a loud thunderclap, despite the clear sky, and many people looked up, puzzled. "He attacked our small kingdom with an army of a million trillion bazillion orcs. My family, my friends, and everyone in the kingdom was murdered, except me. Right as my father was dying, he gave me the ring, knowing that my natural gift of invisibility would protect it, so long as I told no one where it was. That would cancel out my power.  
  
"Grieving, I fled for my life. I ran for many leagues, ever pursued by Vervaine's hordes. While crossing the plains of Rohan, they caught up with me and captured me. I was determined to hide the ring from them at all costs. They tortured me. When I did not divulge the secret, Vervaine himself came to question me, putting an enchantment upon me, so that, when he wishes, I would turn into a black phoenix, with no will of my own, a slave to him.  
  
"But it was not the end. I have always had a strong will to live. Using the ring's power of levitation, I finally managed to escape, and I got to the gates of your city before I lost consciousness. That is my woeful tale."  
  
There was a long silence. "Faramir?" she asked. He was sitting with his head on the stone parapet, fast asleep. "My lord Faramir?" she asked, poking him slightly.  
  
"Mmmph?" he asked. Halithiena looked annoyed for a second, but decided that he must've been watching over her the night before, and still tired.  
  
"Apologies, milady," Faramir said, which, in the small, almost nonexistent place that was Halithiena's mind, made up for him falling asleep in the middle of her tale of sorrow. Faramir groaned. She was really getting annoying.  
  
She looked out over the Fields of Pelennor, long hair streaming dramatically in the wind. Suddenly, she shrieked, clutching her heart. "They approach!" Halithiena cried. "I knew I shouldn't have stayed! You will be destroyed!" She threw arms around Faramir's neck, sobbing. "I have doomed this whole city!" Faramir gingerly put his arm around her. It was strange. It felt like her skin was a thin, flimsy cover over something that felt.sinister, almost evil. Looking over her shoulder, he saw a huge horde of orcs marching towards the city. At least, that was what his eyes told him. Every instinct he possessed was telling him that these orcs were not real, that they did not exist. No matter. Real or imaginary, it was a threat to the city he was duty-bound to protect.  
  
"Orcs!" he shouted. "Orcs are about to attack the city! Guards, to your posts! Man the catapults!" He shoved Halithiena inside a building. "Stay out of the way!"  
  
He ran up to the gate. "Boromir!" Faramir cried. "According to Halithiena, these orcs have come to capture her."  
  
"Well, then they can't have her!" Boromir replied, and began shooting arrows into the orc horde massing outside the gates. Faramir thought how much simpler it would be to just throw her outside the gate; the scolded himself for thinking such things. iShe is a lady,/i he told himself, iShe looks like one, at least. We are honor-bound to protect those who cannot defend themselves, no matter how annoying they are./i He sighed and began shooting arrows into the mob.  
  
Faramir noticed something odd. Whenever an arrow hit an orc, it would fall to the ground, and then disappear in a cloud of smoke. None of the other men appeared to notice. Shrugging it off, he reached down to grab another set of arrows when he saw Halithiena.  
  
She had been feeling guilty and angst-ridden about how everyone in the city would die because of her, just as her country's people had died, it was all her fault, etc. She finally decided to follow her Mary Sue instincts for the pointlessly dramatic and allow them to capture her, thus saving the lives of everyone in Gondor for now.  
  
Halithiena ran through the city, tears streaming down her face at the useless sacrifice she was about to make. She ran into the stables and swung onto the back of a pure white horse, whose eyes widened in terror as it realized what its rider was. It bolted out the door, stopping in front of Faramir as she pulled on the reins.  
  
"F-F-Faramir," she choked out. "I-I must sacrifice myself, for the good of the city. I-I want you to have t-this." She took something off her finger, and it suddenly became visible to Faramir. It was a bright pink ring, with a heart-shaped pink rhinestone on it. Faramir said, "This is the greatest of the Rings of Power?" He suppressed a laugh.  
  
"Use it well," Halithiena said. "I'm afraid I will never see you again. Faramir...I love you." Faramir was in shock. Suddenly, she kissed him full on the mouth. "Goodbye..." she said as she rode out the gate. Faramir had an expression on his face best described as: O.o All the men present looked at Faramir jealously. Faramir himself was a bit disgusted.  
  
"We've got to stop her!" Boromir shouted. Suddenly, Faramir had no control over his actions anymore. Slipping the ring on his finger, he dashed to the stables, mounted a horse, and rode that horse after Halithiena. iWHAT THE HECK AM I DOING??/i he asked himself. He was out of control, however, and could only watch helplessly as he fought his way to the orcs to get to her. Unfortunately, the orcs were too many. He and Halithiena were knocked unconscious.  
  
************************************  
  
Faramir woke up in a small, dirty room made of black stone. His head ached, and his hands and feet were bound.  
  
"Oh, great," he sighed. Well, he had to try to escape. He looked around for anything that might help him cut his bonds, but there were no mysterious shards of obsidian, that he could use to cut the ropes. Then, he thought of the ring. Would the sharp edges of the rhinestone cut the ropes? He twisted his hands around, reached into the pocket of his trousers, pulled out the ring, and finally began to work on the ropes. After five minutes of hard work, the ropes around his arms fell off. He rubbed some life back into his hands. Reaching down, he grabbed a slim knife hidden in his boots. He always kept it there in case of emergencies. He easily cut the ropes binding his feet.  
  
Once finished, Faramir slipped the ring into his pocket and turned his attention to the door. It presented a bit of a problem. He inspected the lock. It was a simple one, thankfully, so, with the assistance of the blade, the door swung open. He was glad he had learned to pick locks; he had used this valuable skill to sneak into places, such as the food cupboard, when he was little.  
  
Poking his head around the door, he looked up and down the corridor. Orc guards were at either end. Silently, he slipped down the dark hallway. Faramir slipped the knife into the orcs, killing them instantly, and watched them go up in smoke. Keeping to the shadows, he worked his way down the passage, winding up in a circular room with five doors leading out of it. As he was wondering which one led out, one of them slammed open with a resounding, dramatic boom. Out of it walked Halithiena. She had black feathered wings sprouting out of her back, and her hair had midnight- colored streaks in it. She was wearing an outfit consisting of a tight black leather halter top, a short black leather skirt, and high-heeled sandals with straps going halfway up her legs. She was wearing gloves with the fingers cut out, and had twin black sheaths on her back, covering two identical obsidian knives, with bird-shaped hilts. Her face was covered with face paint in an avian design. She opened her mouth and screeched.  
  
"AIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!" She unsheathed her knives and began whirling them expertly. "My master commands you dead! AIIIEEE!!! Fall before the wrath of the Black Phoenix!" she screamed.  
  
"Oh, no..." This was all Faramir needed, a crazy screaming girl. He dodged her first wild knife stroke. Ducking behind a pillar, he tried to think. All he had was a small knife, and he couldn't kill her. He would be in deep trouble when he got home if he did.  
  
Screaming like a banshee, the Phoenix took to the air, massive wings beating. Higher and higher she flew, and Faramir's eyes strained to watch her. With another "AIIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!" she dove, mouth wide open, revealing all of her perfect teeth. At the last minute, Faramir moved out of the way. With a large swoop, Halithiena pulled out of her dive and returned to the ground. Her eyes narrowed.  
  
"Why do you run from me? AIIIEEEE!!!" she asked. "You are only prolonging your death. AIIIEEEE!!!" She walked around the pillar, but Faramir quickly ran to the other side. "AIIIEEEE!!!! Do you wish this to be a cat and mouse game? Or should I say bird and worm? Ahahahahaha," she laughed. All this time, Faramir had been thinking. She could have killed him five minutes ago if she hadn't been so dramatic and really concentrated. Maybe drama was the way to beat her.  
  
"Halithiena!" he shouted, stepping out from behind the pillar. "Hear my voice! Fight this evil!" he dodged again as she ran at him, arms spinning like a windmill, knives held in black-nailed hands.  
  
"Halithiena is gone. Now, there is only the Black Phoenix, servant to the almighty Vervaine the Purple!" she shouted, the wizard's name reverberating around the stone chamber.  
  
Faramir sighed. "Then you leave me no choice." He ran at her, and knocked the knives out of her hands with a swift kick. He took off his sword belt and empty scabbard, and, trying to touch her as little as possible, bound her hands and wings to her body, rendering them useless. Halithiena was off- balance for a moment; he used that moment to knock her to the ground. Quickly taking one of her sandals off, he tied her legs together with the straps. He turned her onto her back. Hissing, she bared her teeth.  
  
"Let me go, fool! Or, I swear by all that is unholy, I will destroy you for this indignity! AIIIEEEE!!!!" she shouted. Faramir merely shook his head.  
  
"I'm sorry I have to do this." he then did what he'd wanted to do ever since he met Halithiena. He slapped her in the face. She screamed.  
  
"AIIIEEEE!!!! You will pay for that, mortal!" she yelled. She writhed in her bonds, trying to get loose, but Faramir had done his work well.  
  
Faramir thought again. Slapping hadn't worked.maybe.As much as it disgusted him, he had to try it, so he could get out of here. He bent over and kissed her. She gasped.  
  
"F-Faramir!" Halithiena said. "I'm s-so sorry...but you cannot waste any time, for I will become Black Phoenix again any second." Faramir looked at her skeptically. For someone not having any second to waste, she sure was taking long enough telling him what to do. She continued, "You must go through that door-" she pointed to the door to his left "-and battle with Vervaine. That is the only way you will end my curse and escape." Her face twisted, which meant that the Black Phoenix was regaining control. Faramir walked towards the door.  
  
Halithiena called out, "Faramir-hurry!" Faramir didn't look back. The now- familiar scream of "AIIIEEEE!!!" echoed from behind him. He walked through the door.  
  
The first thing he noticed was that everything was very...purple. Purple walls, purple carpet, purple wizard...everything. The wizard in question had a two-dimensional quality similar to Halithiena. Faramir turned to face Vervaine the Purple.  
  
"Faramir. I have been expecting you," Vervaine said in that deep, rolling voice of super-villains everywhere. "I suppose you've come to kill me and free my Dark Phoenix?"  
  
"Well, escape, certainly. I could care less about Halithiena myself, but my reputation is at stake, so I suppose she's coming with me. I'd rather leave without killing you, if that's possible," Faramir replied.  
  
"Nice," a figure that hadn't been noticed before said. "Never 'eard that before. Yer a real gennel'man, 'ooever ya are."  
  
"BOB!!!" Vervaine shouted. "Stop complimenting my enemies!!!" He smacked Bob on the head with his purple staff. Bob walked off into the shadows, muttering.  
  
Vervaine turned back to Faramir. "Prepare to meet your doom, Faramir of Gondor!" he shouted. "You will never leave this tower.ALIIIIVE!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA...ha...ulp..."  
  
While the wizard had been laughing manically, Faramir had slipped out his knife and held it to Vervaine's throat.  
  
"Maybe....maybe we could reconsider the whole 'doom' thing?" Vervaine asked shakily.  
  
Faramir shook his head. "You will leave this place, go off somewhere, and never harm another creature, and never come back here."  
  
"A-agreed," Vervaine replied. Faramir turned towards the door. Unfortunately, Vervaine was still very angry. He lunged at Faramir with a wild yell. Faramir spun around, knife outstretched. You can guess what happened, and it wasn't pretty. All you need to know was that Vervaine died and his headless body went up in a cloud of purple smoke. Faramir sighed and turned away.  
  
He walked out the door, collected Halithiena, who was being all fainty, ("Oh, you SAVED me!") found a horse outside the castle, and rode back to Minas Tirith. He rode through the gate, and all the men cheered. Faramir dismounted. Halithiena leapt down and threw herself into his arms.  
  
"You saved my life! I can never repay you! I-" she began.  
  
"Oh give it a REST!" a female voice shouted. A blonde girl in blue jeans and a t-shirt floated down out of the sky. Once her feet were on the ground, she ran at Faramir, knocked Halithiena out of the way, and glomped him.  
  
"There, now that THAT'S out of my system..." she said as she got up, "Time for business...getting rid of it." Halithiena put her hands on her hips.  
  
"WHAT is the meaning of this?" she asked, hair falling across her face. The other girl rolled her eyes.  
  
"Oh, shut it, Mary Sue." Halithiena gasped. "Yes, I know your real name," the blue jean'd girl said. "And what you are.  
  
"Now, hold on," Boromir said. "Who ARE you?"  
  
"My name's Krystal. I'm Sauron's daughter, the physical manifestation of the authoress," she replied. "Dad sent me to get rid of as many Mary Sues as I could, Boz, and it looks like you need it. This one went after Faramir, which was a big mistake, considering he's my favorite.  
  
"Anyways, I have decided that you've troubled this poor man long enough." The girl held a pen above her head, cleared her throat, and began chanting.  
  
i"Halithiena is your name,  
  
Now, go back to where you came!  
  
Though you are a Mary Sue,  
  
Fanfic authors don't like you!  
  
As of now, your deeds are done,  
  
You stole the heart of everyone.  
  
Plot and depth and faults you lack,  
  
Sue, be gone-AND DON'T COME BACK!"/i  
  
Halithiena gave a piercing scream. She began to fall backwards slowly, dissolving into rainbow-colored glitter. A breeze blew the glitter over the wall and scattered it across the Pelennor fields.  
  
The men began to wake up. Some yawned, others shook their heads to clear them. Everyone had very clear memories of the mind-control and dominion of the Mary Sue, and were very aware that their wives and girlfriends would be very angry with them when they got home. They ran off to buy flowers and practice apology speeches.  
  
Faramir turned to Krystal. "We thank you for ridding us of this evil," he said. "The City is ever in your debt, Sauron's daughter though you be."  
  
Krystal smiled. "You will probably see me again, perhaps sooner than you expect."  
  
Faramir smiled back. "I certainly hope so. If another one shows up, we'll need all the help you can give us in getting rid of it." He shook her hand.  
  
"Well, I'm afraid I can't stay. Places to go, people to see, Mary Sues to kill," Krystal said as she started floating upwards again. "Bye!" she shouted. Faramir and Boromir waved.  
  
Faramir grinned. "I'm glad that's over."  
  
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That wasn't too bad, was it? Review and tell me what you think! Also, I'd like requests for which character to Mary Sue next. Whichever character gets the most requests I'll use. Thanks! 


	2. Denethor

Title: Here they come....  
  
Rating: PG for now, because of slight swearing.  
  
Summary: The characters from LotR experience their first Mary Sues and learn how to deal with them. Good old-fashioned Mary Sue bashing. I'm taking requests for which character to do....  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LotR. I wish I owned Faramir, but I don't. I only own Bob (yay!) and Aurora the Teal (the Mary Sue), but I don't want to. *shudder*  
  
Chapter 2 Summary: Well, well, well. Denethor has a fangirl, who wrote a Mary Sue. Can't say much for her taste....but then, power is attractive, I suppose....  
  
Author's Note: This one takes place after Boromir leaves, but a week or two before Gandalf and Pippin show up. My friend originally requested Aragorn, but kingmaker suggested Denethor, and it sounded more fun to do.... Oh, and if you've never seen/read "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins", you should. It's really funny.it's a music video done by Leonard Nemoy about The Hobbit. Cheesy, but that's what makes it so hilarious. Also, this one will have more of Krystal in it....and no, I'm not going to pull a Mary Sue and do a Faramir/Krystal love plot, no matter how much I'd like to. He marries Eowyn. End of story. The most that'll happen is her admiring him. *hears collective sigh of relief*  
  
Review responses:  
  
Pyro Faerie: I'd do Aragorn, but this is more of an unlikely-characters- getting-'Sued fic....maybe I'll post it as its own story....  
  
Nringa Bleh: Thanks for all your reviews! I love your fic....No, he doesn't know Eowyn yet.... SO DO I! :D *glomps Faramir* Yeah, Sauron's daughter....I decided that it'll be my ME persona....Arwen? Hmm....I was thinking of someone different....it says who in this chapter. Bwahahahaha....  
  
kingmaker: Thank you for your reviews on my stories! "Yes, it seems, that's all some fanfic villains can do well." LOL!!! Too true....Yes, poor Faramir. He does his best, though, and sees what she really is....go him! The Sue-banishing poem came to me at about two-thirty AM, like all my really good ideas....and I'll probably have someone figure out how to get rid of them on their own, but it's fun sticking myself in and dealing with the MSes personally.... BTW, when're you planning to update your fic?  
  
littlegypsysquirrel: Theoden sounds good....I could do him next.... Haldir? Hmm....he gets MSes written about him, too....these are all supposed to be really unlikely....but I could post it under its own story, too....  
  
"speaking" 'thoughts' *************************************************  
  
As soon as the mysterious woman rode through the gate, everyone could sense her power. Her face was hidden by her blue-green hood. Although her matching cloak concealed her garments, there was no doubt whatsoever that she was female. She rode through the city on a magnificent palomino horse, carrying a staff made of cherry wood. She reached the Citadel, dismounted, whispered something to the horse, and strode towards the door that led to the hall, where sat the Lord Denethor. She entered and walked briskly to where Denethor was seated, her cloak billowing dramatically.  
  
"Hail, Lord and Steward of Minas Tirith, Denethor son of Ecthelion," she said in a musical voice. Denethor immediately sat up. "I come to offer you my assistance in the fight against the Black Land," she continued, eyes glinting from under the hood.  
"I would first like to know who you are, and why you offer me your help," Denethor said. The woman gave a laugh, a beautiful, musical laugh.  
  
"Very wise, O Ruler of Gondor," she said. She removed her hood, revealing a beautiful, ivory face with large, turquoise eyes. Her hair spilled down in a long dark river, with teal streaks. "I am an Istari, the long-lost leader of the Council, Aurora the Teal." She took off her cloak. She was wearing a beautiful teal dress, trimmed with silver.  
  
Denethor was speechless. Never in his life could he have imagined a more beautiful creature, except perhaps that Halithiena....no. This one was prettier. A dark shadow behind his chair that Aurora hadn't noticed sighed.  
  
"Oh, no, not AGAIN!" it said. Denethor turned around, and dragged Bob out. He looked a little different from the last time we saw him-he wore the outfit of a Guard of the Citadel, and had bandages wrapped around his head.  
  
Denethor frowned. "HOW many times do I have to tell you, Bob?" he shouted. "DON'T interrupt me when I'm talking!" He smacked Bob on the head with the stick that signified his Stewardship. Bob went back to hiding behind the chair, holding his head and muttering. Luckily, Denethor didn't hear it, because it went something like this: "Stupid Steward....oughta shove that stick up 'is ass....wait a minute, it already is....an' I thought ol' Vervaine was the only one oo'd 'it me on the 'ead...."  
  
Denethor was busy talking to Aurora. She was telling him all the things she could do, including "controlling the weather, creating and controlling fire, helping growing things, healing, talking with animals, creating light, sewing, creating cookies out of thin air...." and so on. She had only just finished when Faramir walked in.  
  
"Milord, Osgiliath is under atta-" he broke off when he noticed the Sue. "Oh no....not another one...." he said. 'Who will she be going after this time, I wonder?' he thought. 'Beregond, maybe. I hear Prince Imrahil will arrive in a few weeks....maybe she's waiting for him?'  
  
Then he saw the way his father was looking at her. 'Oh no. No, no, no. No way. That's just scary.' He shook his head to clear it and brought himself back to the present.  
  
"Send more men out to defend it," Denethor answered. "You know as well as I do that Osgiliath is the last defense of the city."  
  
"There is need to defend Osgiliath?" Aurora asked. "Let me go. I will help as best I can."  
  
Denethor nodded. "So be it. Faramir, please gather the men while I instruct Aurora about Osgiliath and our plight."  
  
"As you wish, Father." Faramir bowed. Denethor, talking with Aurora, left the hall.  
  
"Pathetic, isn't it?" a voice asked from somewhere near the roof. Faramir looked up quickly. Krystal was floating, cross-legged, in the shadows just under the ceiling.  
  
"Yeah, sure is," Bob said, coming out of the shadows.  
  
Faramir sighed. "You were right about me seeing you again," he said. "Although it's been a while, it hasn't been long enough."  
  
"Well, how've things been going since I last saw you?" Krystal asked, floating down and landing lightly on the floor.  
  
"Pretty well, in terms of Mary Sues at least." Bob and Krystal nodded sympathetically. Faramir continued, "The war hasn't been going too well. Boromir has left for Rivendell, but I do not know why."  
  
"Well, I'm sorry, but I can't destroy the plotline for ya," Bob said, "But 'is reason fer leavin' is very important, an' you'll find out later wot it really was."  
  
Krystal nodded at Bob. "Yeah, that's about all you should know," she said. "Now, however, I need some help from you two."  
  
"What? Sauron's daughter needs 'elp?" Bob laughed.  
  
Krystal glared. "Yes-I need to make a decision. I need to decide whether or not to get rid of the Mary Sue." Faramir was about to speak, but she cut him off. "I really hate Denethor," she said, "but I have to destroy Mary Sues. Also, I can't destroy the plotline. But if I send Denethor off to live out his days with the MS, I'll save a lot of trouble. What should I do?"  
  
Bob spoke first. "I think ya oughta get rid o' that EB*. As far as I can remember, he's not that important, and besides, he nearly bur-"  
  
"Sssssh!" Krystal said. "Don't destroy the plotline!" Bob muttered an apology. "Faramir?" she asked. "What do you think?"  
  
Faramir thought. "I think your oaths to destroy Mary Sues and your duty to protect this 'plotline' are more important than your hatred of my father. You must keep your word."  
  
"Oh yeah, you guys are a lot of help," Krystal pouted. "I personally think those two deserve each other, but Faramir's advice is wise. I'll think about it."  
  
Faramir realized something. "I was supposed to be gathering the soldiers! I'd better hurry-" he said.  
  
"Don't worry, I've taken care of that. They're all waiting for you at the gate," Krystal said, "But you should go out and meet them."  
  
Faramir turned to leave, but he suddenly thought of something. "Krystal...."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"If you are Sauron's daughter...."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Who's your mother?" he finished nervously.  
  
Krystal grinned. "You really want to know?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Galadriel." Faramir's jaw dropped, and Bob burst out laughing.  
  
"So, 'er an' Sauron, eh?" Bob said.  
  
Krystal nodded. "It was the metal armor....she couldn't resist...." she replied, trailing off.  
  
"I don't believe it, I just don't believe it!" Faramir said, beginning to laugh.  
  
"You know, you really need to get out there...." Krystal said. Faramir nodded and left. Krystal watched him go, thinking what a lucky woman Eowyn was.  
  
"So, what's it like, havin' a Dark Lord as a father?" Bob asked. Krystal shrugged.  
  
"He's a bit repressive," she replied. "He still won't let me get my rider's license."  
  
Bob laughed again. "Sauron is....repressive?"  
  
"Yeah. Odd, isn't it. Being his and Galadriel's daughter has its benefits, though, like an endless amount of blackmail for both of them." She smiled evilly and turned to look out the tower window.  
  
*************************************************  
  
Faramir met up with the soldiers at the gate. Aurora was already there, mounted on her horse. Faramir turned his horse around, and rode through the gate. The riders followed, and were quickly galloping across the Pelennor towards Osgiliath.  
  
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Soon, Krystal's curiosity got the better of her. Invisible, she floated out the window and down to the fields, easily keeping up with the Riders. Once they reached Osgiliath she had to back off a bit-the orcs were shooting arrows, and she didn't want one of them to hit her. Aurora was fighting brilliantly, all the arrows that came anywhere close to the soldiers burst into flame. Every Orc that she hit with her staff or long, silver sword with a teal jewel on the hilt immediately died.  
  
With her help, the Orcs were driven back beyond the river. The men cheered, and Aurora was about to lead a charge to retake the opposite bank, when they heard a shrill, bone-chilling scream.  
  
"NAZGÛL!" Aurora shouted. Krystal rolled her eyes. "Thank you, Captain Obvious...." she muttered, turning to see which one it was. "Oh, it's Danny. Hey, Danny!" She flew over as fast as she could, giving the Seventh Ringwraith a hug. "I haven't seen you in AGES! Where've you been?"  
  
Danny looked at her in surprise. "Hi, Krystal! Sorry about not being around....this little she-elf created this flood....and you know how I am about water...."  
  
Krystal nodded sympathetically. Most of the Ringwraiths were hydrophobic, and Danny had it the worst. "You poor thing....it must've been horrible," she said. Danny nodded. "It was."  
  
"Which one did it?" she asked. Danny thought. "She had really long black hair....blue eyes....curved sword....white horse...."  
"Oh. Arwen." She groaned. Despite the fact that, technically speaking, Arwen was her niece, Krystal found her extremely annoying, especially because she stole Glorfindel's horse and his part in the movie. "I'd kill her for you, but if I did, I'd never be able to visit Rivendell again." She sighed sadly, then sat down on the dragon-thingy-Danny-was- riding's neck, crossed her legs, and asked, "So, any reason in particular you're here?"  
  
Danny shook his head. "No, nothing besides the general capture-the- city bit. Why?"  
  
"You'd better get out of here, Danny," Krystal said. "There's a Mary Sue down there. Danny gasped. "You're right....I'll go tell Sauron about the new one....in the meantime, do what you can. Okay? Oh, and if I can't convince Johnny not to come, try and keep her from heroically killing him."  
  
Krystal nodded-Johnny Angmar was the leader of the Ringwraiths. He had a huge ego, and couldn't resist a challenge. "We'll both do our best," she said. "Now, go! The Sue's preparing a spell....get out of here before you're hurt!" She got off the dragon-thingy, and Danny flew off as fast as he could. Krystal watched the Mary Sue smile in triumph at supposedly driving off the Ringwraith, and continued to lead the soldiers in recapturing the east shore.  
  
Aurora raised her sward into the air, crying in victory. A column of teal fire leapt from her sword into the sky, coruscating light illuminating the entire city.  
  
*************************************************  
  
"Oooh....fiiiiiiiire....preeeeeety....almost as pretty as she is...." Denethor said, leaning over the stone parapet at the top of the city.  
  
"Stupid creepy old pyromaniac...." Bob muttered.  
  
*************************************************  
  
Aurora led the men back to Minas Tirith, Faramir riding behind, feeling a bit left out. Krystal hovered alongside, making herself visible to him.  
  
"Sorry about her," Krystal said. "It happens to all of us. They take over. Hopefully, this one won't last very long."  
  
Faramir nodded. "I hope so." They reached the city, where a large celebration began. Huge bonfires were lit, and everybody was being very happy and eating and getting drunk. In the middle of the celebration, Denethor found Aurora dancing in front of the largest fire. After watching her for a few minutes, he walked up to her.  
  
"You were astounding today, Aurora," he said. She smiled.  
  
"I did my best, Milord," she said. "I am just sorry I could not have finished that Nazgúl once and for all."  
  
"Oh, fer cryin' out loud...." Bob muttered from the shadows. Aurora absentmindedly picked up her staff and thwacked him on the head. She was about to continue talking to Denethor when they heard a screech coming from above. Guess who it was?  
  
"Oh, no...." Krystal moaned. She flew up, hands on her hips.  
  
"JOHNNY ANGMAR!" Her eyes were blazing. "HOW many times do I have to TELL you?! You DON'T go after Mary Sues! They're more than you can handle! Remember, the "No living man can kill me" thing doesn't apply to them! WHAT do you have to say for yourself?"  
  
Most of the city's inhabitants (at least, the ones still conscious and sober) were staring at the strange scene.  
  
Johnny grinned. "I haven't fought one before. Besides, I'm the Witch- King of Angmar, greatest of the Nazgûl."  
  
Krystal snorted. "Greatest of the Nazgûl....hah! A bunch of shrieking hydrophobes! Besides, you're gonna get your ass kicked by a girl....twice, if you hang around here!"  
  
He shrugged. "No, I won't. You just watch and see!" With that, he swooped towards the Mary Sue.  
  
"IT'S YOUR FUNERAL....AND I MEAN THAT LITERALLY!" she yelled after him. Johnny wasn't listening, however.  
  
Aurora was already prepared to fight him. Denethor was standing a ways behind her. "Evil spawn of Mordor-prepare to meet your doom!" she shouted, swinging her staff. Johnny grinned, swooped down, and swung his mace at the MS. She vaporized it with a blast of teal light from her staff. She sent another blast of light at Johnny. Krystal snapped her fingers, slowing it down so it wouldn't kill him. He got knocked out, though, and Krystal had to grab the reins of his Fell Beast (A/N: I know what they're called now!) and sent it back to Mordor.  
  
She decided she'd had enough. She alighted in front of Aurora.  
  
"You!" Aurora gasped.  
  
"Me." Krystal grinned like the Cheshire Cat. "You know, I thought I'd seen everything, but I must admit, I'm surprised. You went after Denethor."  
  
"Anything wrong with that?" Aurora asked angrily. "He's the Steward of Gondor! Do you have any idea how much power he holds?"  
  
"Do you have any idea how old he is?" Krystal sighed. I'm afraid I can't let you just stay, but that'd destroy the plotline." She took out the pen and recited the spell. When she finished, though, the Sue was still there, laughing.  
  
"Don't you know? Halithiena was my friend. That silly poem won't work!" She laughed. All the people who were formerly celebrating were watching the confrontation.  
  
Denethor suddenly walked in front of Aurora. "She may be a Mary Sue, but I don't care. I love her."  
  
Krystal gagged. "Eww....Get out of my way." She knocked Denethor to the side. "Do you think I'm stupid?" she asked Aurora. "What kind of a Sue hunter do you think I am that I'd only have one way of killing them?"  
  
With that, she began to sing.  
  
"In the Middle of the Earth, In the land of the Shire, There's a brave little hobbit, That we all admire."  
  
It was a silly tune, but Aurora's eyes were wide with shock.  
  
"With a long, wooden pipe, Fuzzy wooly toes, He lives in a hobbit-hole And everybody knows him...."  
  
Aurora began to scream at the tacky 70's-ness and collapsed. Krystal continued.  
  
"Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins, Only three feet tall! Bilbo, Bilbo, Bilbo Baggins, The greatest little hobbit of them all."  
  
The authoress paused, but the Sue wasn't quite gone yet. She began to stand up, murder in her eyes. Krystal hastily continued, and, just to be safe, she began to do the little dance that went with it.  
  
"Now hobbits are peace Lovin' folks, you know, They're never in a hurry And they take things slow.  
  
They don't like to travel Far away from home They just like to eat And be left alone."  
  
Aurora was lying flat on the white stone. She began to dissolve. Krystal didn't stop; she was in full swing.  
  
"But one day Bilbo Was asked to go, On a big adventure, Nah nah nah nah nah  
  
To help some dwarves Get back their gold, That was stolen by a dragon In the days of o-old!"  
  
The Sue was completely gone, and Faramir slowly walked up and tapped her on the shoulder.  
  
"Um....Krystal?"  
  
"Bilbo, Bilbo, Bil-what?"  
  
"She's gone."  
  
"Oh. Right. Yeah." Krystal blushed. "Don't make me do that again."  
  
Faramir smiled. "Thanks again."  
  
"You're welcome." Krystal looked at her watch. "Oh, dammit. Gotta go, guys....curfew."  
  
"Curfew? You're Sauron's daughter, and you have CURFEW?" Faramir laughed.  
  
"Yeah. Anyways, I'll see you later!" She disappeared. Denethor was standing up. It seemed he had recovered from his fall and the Sue-spell.  
  
"Never speak of this again," he said in a commanding tone. "It never happened."  
  
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Finally, it's done! My writer's block has been conquered! Yay! This is long, I know.... R&R, please. I write this stuff for you, you know....  
  
This is a link to a place where you can listen to "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins". Try it....it's hilarious. 


	3. Gimli

Title: Here They Come  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: The characters from LotR experience their first Mary Sues and learn how to deal with them. I'm taking requests for which character to do.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LotR. I wish I owned Faramir, but I don't. I only own Bob and the Mary Sue.  
  
Chapter 3 Summary: It's Gimli's turn! I'm....surprised. Not as surprised as I was at the last one, though....but still surprised.  
  
REVIEW RESPONSES:  
  
Lady Fowl-Potter of the Rings: Glad you liked the Denethor thing! I don't think I'll do Merry and Pippin, at least not for a while. I'm doing the strange characters first....ok?  
  
ElveNDestiNy: Thanks! I'll read that when I can find the time....  
  
Kingmaker: Thanks for telling me about "Game of the Gods"....it was great. You're welcome! Of course I read my reviews, they're what motivate me to write! Here....have some inspiration cookies....they might help a bit.... OMG....I never thought of that....You're right....NO MORE talking about things shoved up Denethor's ass. I hate slashfics. *shudder* I love the Krystal and Danny bit....you know who Danny is, because you've read The Ringwraith Tales.... I don't want to start a fight over this because you're my best reviewer, so I won't insult Arwen in my fics. The reason I don't like her is because in the movie she stole Glorfindel's part (and horse!), and Glorfindel is my favorite Elf. Even in the animated one, Legolas stole his part....poor neglected Elf. *hugs* "Ah, the Mary Sue beacon. Looks almost identical to the Morgul beacon, and twice as terrifying!" *nodnod* Sorry about the sappy dialogue thing, but I couldn't think of anywhere where it'd fit, and my Muse has been a bit overworked lately....but he's had a week to rest, so I'm updating. Lurtz? *leans back, steeples fingers* Eeeeeexcellent....I'll do him after Gimli.  
  
Author's Note: I'm so sorry it's taken me so long, but I haven't had much time this week (I'm failing two of my classes, and I'm doing my best to get them back up again....stupid projects with stupid deadlines....)but during the weekend I got a bit done, and I have no homework today, so I can write!  
  
Thanks and a chocolate chip muffin to Lady Fowl-Potter of the Rings for the suggestion.  
  
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As soon as she heard the footsteps, she crouched down and hid in the bushes. She counted nine, not counting their pony–a wizard, two Men, four hobbits from that cheerful little country called the Shire, an Elf, and a Dwarf like her. She knew about the hobbits because she often wandered across Middle Earth. Not because she wanted to, but because it was dangerous for her to stay in one place, because the goblins and wolves whose comrades her grandfather had slain tirelessly hunted her. These weren't goblins or wolves, however, and she decided to make her presence known.  
  
She stood up and bowed. "Greetings!" she said, looking demurely at the other Dwarf. This ought to be easy.  
  
The response from the others was immediate. They stopped arguing about which way to go. The Men drew their swords, and the Elf, with eye–blurring speed, took out his bow and aimed it at her. The Dwarf raised his eyebrows.  
  
"Who are you, and why didn't we see you?" one of the Men asked. The female Dwarf gave a short laugh.  
  
"I am a traveler," she said, "and I know how to hide myself."  
  
The Elf and the Man who hadn't spoken yet were also staring at her. They looked at each other and mouthed, "Sue." The Elf walked closer, holding his bow aimed at her throat. "And who are you after THIS time?" He drew the bow tighter. "I've had enough of you and your kind."  
  
The lady Dwarf, thinking quickly, fixed her power on Legolas. His eyes blurred for a moment, and then he said, "Forgive me, lady. I know not what came over me."  
  
The man who hadn't spoken yet waved his hand in front of Legolas's face, but immediately stopped as the Dwarf fixed her power on him. She smiled, her emerald–green eyes sparkling. She had expected more resistance than this. She bowed.  
  
"Thora Oakenshoe, granddaughter to Thorin Oakenshield, at your service," she said formally. She grinned at the gasps she received from everyone except one of the Men.  
  
"You are Thorin's granddaughter?" the wizard asked. "But Thorin never had any children...." He smiled, slightly amused. "Come to think of it, I don't think he even had...." A full dose of Thora's power cut him off mid–sentence. Instead, he said, "I am proud to meet the granddaughter of so mighty a warrior. I am Gandalf, friend and companion to Thorin. This is Aragorn, Boromir, Legolas, Gimli, Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin." Thora nodded to each one.  
  
"And what brings this company so far into the wild?" she asked. Frodo stepped forward.  
  
"We are going to Mordor, to destroy the One Ring in Mount Doom," he said. Thora quickly shushed him. "Do not talk about things like that to people you've only just met!" she cautioned.  
  
Boromir spoke for the first time. "Lady Thora, would you join us on our quest? We can always use another fighter, and there is no quest in Middle Earth of greater importance than this one."  
  
Thora pretended to think for a minute, playing with the end of her garnet–colored braided hair. "I think I will," she said finally. "I'd like to do something with my life, and I should like to help save Middle Earth."  
  
Aragorn smiled. "It's decided, then. Welcome to the Fellowship of the Ring, Thora."  
  
*************************************************  
  
Within two days, she had killed eleven random orcs. On the third night, the twelfth one crept into the camp and over to Thora, who was pretending to be asleep. She counted under her breath, waiting for Gimli to come to her rescue. The orc slowly and theatrically raised his knife, poised to strike. Thora, however, was still confident Gimli would save her. The orc stabbed downward, but, at the last moment, it keeled over backwards. Thora looked around for Gimli, but instead there was a girl standing there.  
  
Thora gasped as she recognized the face in the moonlight. Krystal leaned over and said, only loud enough for the Sue to hear, "I only saved you because if you died now, the whole Fellowship would be grieving for days, and that'd mess up the plotline even worse. I'm only waiting for the right time, place, and way to kill you. Your days are numbered, Sue." She silently disappeared, leaving the shaken Thora to try and get some sleep.  
  
" 'The Doors of Durin, Lord of Moria. Speak, friend, and enter.' And underneath small and faint is written, "I, Narvi, made them. Celebrimbor of Hollin drew these signs'."  
  
Thora looked critically at the doors. She couldn't wait to go in, because of all the wonderful opportunities to prove herself. There was going to be a huge orc fight, and the Balrog....she would kill it, pull Gandalf back from the Bridge, and snuggle up to Gimli the whole time.  
  
Gandalf had tried quite a few spells, none of which had worked. He sat down and thought. Thora walked over the door and shouted, "MELLON!" Gimli winced and covered his ears at the echoes. The doors swung open. Gandalf looked a bit put out. "Hey....*I* was just about to say that!" he muttered to himself as they walked through the doors.  
  
A tentacle snaked out of the lake, followed by several more. Thora, who had been expecting this, dashed over and started hacking at one of the tentacles. The thing in the water screamed. If anyone present could have understood the language, they would have heard something along the lines of, "OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOD, IT'S A MARY SUE!!! RUN AWAAAAAAY!!!" The tentacles immediately disappeared, and Thora grinned triumphantly as she walked into the mine.  
  
Two or three days later, Thora was in a bad mood. Gimli had been emphatically resisting her advances, she was sleeping on rock AGAIN, and she had to lead at one point, when Gandalf had forgotten the way. She tried to ignore the steady cold draft of air coming from the great chamber. Her only consolation was that the next day there would be a huge battle and she could vent her frustrations on the orcs.  
  
The next morning, they found the record book in the Chamber of Secrets- sorry, Chamber of Mazarbul. Thora was very bored by the whole thing, and when Gimli had mourned for Balin, he had pushed her hand away when she tried to put it on his shoulder in sympathy. She perked up, however, when the orcs and the cave troll came through the doors. After single–handedly slaying the cave troll, she killed more orc than the rest of the Fellowship combined, always looking for a chance to save Gimli's life. This chance never came.  
  
Ten minutes later, Gandalf told them to run as he held the Balrog off. Thora, though, refused to run. She stayed at Gandalf's side, nearly getting whacked on the head with Gandalf's staff. Before she could grab Glamdring and stab the Balrog, a mysterious force shoved her along to the end of the Bridge. This may have had something to do with the teenage girl who was watching the whole thing from fifty feet up in the air. "Bwahahahaha...." she said to herself as she watched Thora frantically try to get back across the Bridge as Gandalf fell. Krystal stood up on thin air as she watched the Fellowship and Thora run out the gates. She had work to do.  
  
Arriving in Lothlorien ten minutes later, she ran up to Lady Galadriel. "Mum....I need your help." Galadriel raised her eyebrows. "What do you need my help for?"  
  
"For getting rid of a Sue," Krystal answered. "One is following Gimli-" Galadriel raised her eyebrows again, hiding an amused smile "-and the best way to get rid of it involves you."  
  
Galadriel was a bit wary. Krystal's schemes usually worked, but sometimes had embarrassing results for some of the people involved. "And what exactly will I have to do?" she asked.  
  
"You already know that Gimli will like you, right?" Galadriel nodded. "Well, you'll just have to help that along a bit. That'll frain her power, and she won't be able to concentrate enough, and the rest of the Fellowship will be freed of her spell."  
  
Galadriel was worried. "But if Celeborn finds out...."  
  
"He won't. And even if he does, I promise to take full responsibility." Krystal folded her arms. "You have to help me with this. Please?"  
  
Galadriel sighed. "Do I have a choice?" she asked. Krystal grinned happily and hugged her. "Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" she said. Galadriel, who even after over two thousand years still hadn't gotten used to Krystal's sudden hugs, nodded. "You're welcome. Remember, if Celeborn finds out, it was your idea."  
  
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Thora looked around at the beautiful woods. She was uneasy. Something about this place made her feel unwelcome. She slowly climbed the stairs to the Lord and Lady's flet in Caras Galadhon. One she and the rest reached the top, Thora's eyes widened in shock. Visible only to her, Krystal was standing behind Celeborn's chair.  
  
Trying to hide her deep sense of impending doom, Thora looked at Gimli who was staring, enthralled, at Galadriel. Thora felt her power dwindling.  
  
The Fellowship all felt like they had just woken up. They all looked at Thora (with the exception of Gimli) with either shock, anger, or familiarity in the case of Aragorn, Legolas, and Frodo.  
  
Thora began to grow transparent as her powers faded. She looked desperate. "H–elp, Gimli!" He turned to look at her.  
  
"Why?" There was no pity in his eyes.  
  
"Because I'm a dwarf like you!" she shouted.  
  
Gimli smirked. "No, you're not."  
  
Thora was almost gone, just a faint suggestion of a shape. "How did you know?" it said, almost on the edge of hearing.  
  
Gimli's smirk widened. "No beard."  
  
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There it is, finally up....I'm sorry Bob wasn't in it, but I didn't have any place for him, really....and besides, he's in the hospital right now with a concussion. Send him a get well card or flowers or something, he'll appreciate it. I took that last line from "Game of the Gods", one of the best MS bashing fics I've read. Go. Read it. While you're at it, could you review, please? I'm planning to do Lurtz next....you know, the orc in Fellowship of the Ring that kills Boromir then gets killed by Aragorn? Yeah. The more reviews, the faster I'll write, ok? 


	4. Lurtz

Title: Here They Come  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: The characters from LotR experience their first Mary Sues and learn how to deal with them. I'm taking requests for which character to do.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LotR. I wish I owned Faramir, but I don't. I only own Bob and Sashza the Mary Sue.  
  
Chapter 4 Summary: Lurtz....*shudder* I wonder if he actually has any real fangirls....I suppose it's possible, because, like kingmaker said, he's the character who appears with the least clothing on....the whole idea is disgusting, so this chapter should be good....  
  
REVIEW RESPONSES:  
  
Elven Mischief: I've been considering Saruman and Sauron....I'm planning on a chapter that explains exactly what happened with Sauron and Galadriel, and about why Sauron hates Sues so much to send his daughter out to hunt them down and kill them....  
  
LegosGrl: Wormtongue? Hmm....the Sue would have to be really goth....it's a possibility, though.... You know, it's odd....you're the first rabid glomping fangirl to review....Bob liked your get–well card and he says thank you very much.  
  
kingmaker: I like to write and update quickly. I hate school....I have better things to do with my time, like writing fanfics. Glad you're OK with the Arwen thing. You know, that reminds me. You've reviewed all my LotR stories....do you want an Arwen clone? I probably have one somewhere.... Four layers of contacts, actually. Yeah, she's determined all right. Poor Gandalf.... Sues never learn....they're like Evil Dark Lords, always making the same mistakes.... HP reference? I don't remember a Harry Potter reference....huh, you know you're having a blonde day when you need your own jokes explained to you.... Playing with your prey is fun. Bwahahaha. She reminds you of a cat? I like cats. I have two, but they're kind of stupid....I wuv 'em anyways, though. :) I think I'll do Celeborn at some point. It'd be interesting....Krystal's reaction, Galadriel's problems, stuff like that.... Bob thanks you for the Atomic Fireballs. They helped a lot. He's feeling a lot better. He should be in the next chapter.  
  
Mercury Gray: Kudos! Yummy! Thanks! Frodo gets a lot of Sues, and Pippin gets more than enough....Thanks for your review, though!  
  
Author's Note: I'm halfway through the Silmarillion! I'm proud of myself....Anyways, I think that Fëanor, Celegorm, and Curufin prove that the race of Elves aren't perfect. This chapter was actually a lot harder than I thought it would be....I mean, I'm having to invent a whole new kind of Sue, and I can't use the clichés, because, as far as I know, no Sues have gone after Lurtz before....This one will be short. I couldn't bring myself to do a soppy romance....I tried, believe me, I tried....but I couldn't do it. *shudder* Anyways, apologies at the shortness.  
  
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"All right, back off!" Krystal's voice echoed around the clearing at the edge of the river. Boromir stood behind her, eyes wide with terror. Merry and Pippin were cowering behind him, backed against a tree. She swung the broken tree branch menacingly at the dozen Mary Sues. A red–haired Sue who stepped too close got the thick end of the stick in the side of her head. She fell to the ground and promptly dissolved into glitter. "Anyone else?" An arrow cut the side of Krystal's neck. She yelled in pain, and whacked her so hard the Sue who had shot it fell backwards over the bank and into the Anduin (a few days later, a number of soldiers in Osgiliath were puzzled by the little shiny bits of glitter in the river).  
  
The ten left backed off for a few seconds, and Krystal caught her breath. These were easy Sues. Boromir Sues' weakness was physical force with an unlikely weapon–you'd never beat them in combat with a sword, bow, or knife, but hit them with a stick or rock and they crumpled. Krystal glanced through the trees, and saw Uruk–hai running towards her and Boromir. She was running low on time. She picked up another shorter, broader branch. Krystal advanced slowly, the branches swinging in slow arcs. She got one before two unusually bright Sue grabbed one of the sticks. Krystal concentrated, and the branch burst into flame. The Sue let it go very quickly and threw herself into the river and the current pulled her straight into Tol Brandir, the huge tower of rock at the top of Rauros. Krystal allowed herself a small smile. Sometimes she felt that Ulmo had a sense of poetic justice. (A/N: For those of you who haven't read The Silmarillion, Ulmo is the Valar of the rivers and oceans.) Using the last branch, she dispatched the remaining Sues and climbed up a tree. Just in time, too, because the Uruk–hai crashed through the undergrowth and tried to capture the two hobbits. Boromir wasn't very happy about this and fought the orcs. Krystal watched as Lurtz, the Uruk–hai leader, drew back his bow and shot Boromir. Merry and Pippin were carried off by the orcs.  
  
"Like, wow!! That was, like, incredible!!" a female voice said. Krystal looked at the speaker, and nearly fell out of the tree. It was an orc, but you could barely tell with the pink armor and all the makeup she was wearing.  
  
"Who are you?" Lurtz asked slowly.  
  
"I'm, like, Sashza!! And I'm here to, like, save you from any mean, nasty little guys with swords!!" She pulled out a knife, but you could hardly tell what it was because it was covered in pink sequins, pink paint, and pink glitter. Krystal felt the beginnings of a serious migraine. She hopped down from the tree.  
  
"Look, Sue, today is NOT a good day to try my patience. I've had my hands full dealing with all your friends going after HIM"–she jerked her thumb at Boromir–"all this pink is giving me a headache, your voice isn't helping at all, and I am not going to take any Sueism from a perverted little teenager with an orc fetish." She bent down and picked up Boromir's sword, and killed Lurtz.  
  
The Sue shrieked. "OHMIGOD, YOU KILLED HIM!!!" She leapt at Krystal, knife forgotten, trying to scratch her face with her fingernails. Krystal fended her off, picked up the Horn of Gondor, and blew a loud note. She then pointed her finger at the Sue, who immediately took on Lurtz's appearance. The Sue took one look down at her fingernails, and fainted. Right on time, Aragorn burst through the trees. Krystal jerked her thumb at the Sue, who now was looking like her old self. Aragorn nodded and silently killed the Sue, who joined her kindred in the dirt. Krystal looked around.  
  
"Do you think I'll get in trouble with Aulë or Eru with all this glitter? I mean, it's not natural, and who knows what it's doing to the environment...." she asked Aragorn. He shook his head.  
  
"No, I think they understand....Sues are much worse than a bit of sparkly dust," he answered. Krystal nodded. "Good." She looked down at Boromir, who was explaining about Merry and Pippin's capture, and him tryig to take the Ring from Frodo, shaking her head. "They're so stupid....they can't even let a Man die in peace...." She sat down next to him. "So long, Boromir," she said. "Don't worry–Minas Tirith won't be conquered. Trust me on this."  
  
He smiled weakly, and died. Krystal sniffed. "I hate it when that happens....I mean, he might've been weak, and he might've been a bit power–hungry, but he was still an all–around good guy if you kept him away from gold jewelry...."  
  
"Krystal?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Do me a favor...."  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Be quiet."  
  
"Oh. Right. Well, there's probably something somewhere I should be doing. See you later." She headed off through the woods, wiping away a tear. "Poor guy...."  
  
************************************************* I'm not sure which person to Sue next, so I need you to vote for one: Theoden, Celeborn, Wormtongue, or someone else. Incentive to review, see? And your reviews give me incentive to write....isn't it wonderful? 


	5. Theoden

Title: Here they come...  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: The characters from LotR experience their first Mary Sues and learn how to deal with them. I'm taking requests for which character to do.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LotR. I wish I owned Faramir or Glorfindel, but I don't. I only own Bob and Siren the Mary Sue, but I don't want to. *shudder*  
  
Chapter 5 Summary: Theoden. *takes deep breath* I can do this. Her name gave me a bit of trouble, but I found one in the end....  
  
REVIEW RESPONSES:  
  
Lady FP of the Rings: Yeah, I know it was short....apologies, but I just couldn't do a long romance....I'm doing Wormtongue after this.  
  
kingmaker: Yes, I noticed it on your bio and on the list of taken Mini- Balrog names. I just thought I'd offer, since I promised it on my profile....Have a cookie instead. Thanks.... :) The conversation was poking fun at Boromir Sues....and also, I care a lot about characters and hate it when they die....I mean, you read about them, get to know them, get caught up in the story, and then they die! It's almost as bad as someone really dying.... Anyways, apologies about the shortness, but I had tried and tried to do a long romance, and I finally got fed up and made it short and simple. You're right....I can't handle doing two completely horrible characters in a row....I think I'll do Gollum last. I'm back on top of things school-wise, so hopefully I'll have more time to write. Thanks again for all your wonderful reviews. Love ya forever. ^_^  
  
Elven Mischief: I'm planning on doing Celeborn two chapters from now....a les MS? Hmm....I'll think about it....  
  
shie1dmaidenofrohan: Thank you for your reviews! Faramir can resist the Sue because he's special that way. I mean, he resisted the Ring....I love him too. I wrote another fic about the Ringwraiths....their names are Johnny, Susan, Carl, Katie, Flora, Mikey, Danny, Charlie, and Cindy, and they all have personality! :D I promise I'll MS Gríma next. Eowyn will play an important part....but I don't want to give anything away. :P Nyeah.  
  
Author's Note: Most people voted for Wormtongue, but I couldn't stand doing two completely horrible characters in a row....*shudder* I nearly threw up writing the sappy dialogue....but I survived, and here I am to bring you more fanfic! Bob isn't in this chapter either; he took one look at the Sue and ran for his life. Don't worry, though, I'll get him back, bribing him with Twinkies if I have to. I finished The Silmarillion! None of my friends have managed to get past the first five or six pages. Even my mother gave up on page four....Nehahahahaha!  
  
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The guards in front of the gate to Edoras saw the group of riders long before they arrived. As they drew closer, the guards noticed that the riders were women. Their raiment was covered with cloaks, and they had helmets on their heads, all except for the leader. Her hair was untamed by helm or hood, and streamed behind her like a river of gold. She rode up to the gate, and her dozen companions drew to a halt behind her. The guard took one look at her and silently waved her through.  
  
The group of women turned many heads as they rode through the city to the main hall. All of them were stunningly beautiful, but their leader was the loveliest of all. When they reached the doors of Meduseld, the leader and one of the other women dismounted. The rest stayed on their horses, attracting a crowd of staring men.  
  
In the Golden Hall, Theoden was discussing minor matters (i.e. Rohan's role in the war, the fate of Middle Earth, etc.) with Gandalf and Aragorn when the two women walked in. The leader removed her cloak, revealing an outfit consisting of leather and strategically placed metal. It covered her waist and gravity-defying figure, but not much else. Aragorn gulped. Suddenly, it seemed like someone was whispering in his ear, "Arwen....remember Arwen...." He shook his head, snapping out of it, and touched the Evenstar pendant around his neck. Unseen, Krystal smiled to herself. She could at least keep the Sue from completely taking over until she could figure out the best way to destroy it. These unlikely Sues always gave her trouble.  
  
Theoden simply stared. At all of her. She smiled at the attention. "I am Siren Goldenhelm," she said. "I lead a group of rogue Rider women. We thought you might welcome our assistance, as Rohan will soon be at war." Her voice was strong as the ring of steel swords, but at the same time as soft and subtle as the swish of an arrow, and as sweet as birdsong. It was both as joyous as victory bells, yet as sad as a final farewell before a hopeless battle. Gandalf seemed to be going through some sort of sensory overload. He moved close to Theoden, and spoke in his ear, "If you would hear my counsel, Lord of Rohan, trust her not. She is of an evil race bent on corrupting and enslaving all men. Have I not warned you of the Mary Sue menace?"  
  
Siren had heard Gandalf's words. She fixed her amethyst eyes, deep as the sky right after the sun goes down, at him. Theoden didn't put up much of a fight.  
  
"She is obviously an enemy of Saruman. Why should we not ally ourselves with her and her warriors?" he said. Siren smiled. He was hers. "Milord, should you not go to Helm's Deep? There you will be able to defend all your people."  
  
Gandalf nodded. "I agree. You will stand a much better chance against Saruman in a well-defended fortress." Siren was momentarily surprised. He wasn't supposed to say that! He was supposed to try to get Theoden killed in open combat! Krystal grinned again at the look on the Sue's face. She slipped a worn book back into her bag, on which the words "The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers" were barely visible. "Behold, the power of canon," she muttered to herself.  
  
Quickly, Gandalf's head turned, and he stared into the alcove where she was standing. Relief and hope flickered in the Maia's eyes. "Thank Ilúvatar...." he murmured. Krystal pressed a finger to her lips and turned her attention back to the Sue. Theoden turned to one of his guards. "Send word throughout Edoras. We leave for Helm's Deep as soon as possible. The guard nodded and left. Siren left also, saying that she would go and inform her warriors of the plans.  
  
As she walked down the steps, she roughly brushed past Eowyn, who stared in disbelief. Her frown deepened as her uncle walked out too, and she noticed him watching Siren with a light in his eyes Eowyn hadn't seen since his wife died. No. Please, no. Not him. She usually had her hands full dealing with Eomer's shieldmaiden Sues; in fact, she sometimes enjoyed the challenge, but one going after her uncle....  
  
*************************************************  
  
They had been on the road to Helm's Deep for a little over two days. Siren's women tended to attract almost every single male within a two mile radius. Siren herself had been flirting with Theoden at every possible opportunity. It was sickening. Suddenly, Aragorn came running over the hill. "Wargs! We're under attack!" he yelled. Siren drew her sword and called to her group. Theoden turned to Eowyn. "You must lead the people to Helm's Deep."  
  
"I can fight!" she protested. Theoden shook his head. "No. You must do this....for me." Eowyn shot a murderous glare at Siren, but reluctantly complied with her uncle's wish. She led the women and children off, while the Riders left to fight the Wargs.  
  
The fight was pretty good as fights go. Aragorn, however, got his hand caught in a Warg's harness. Siren saw this, and rode over. She cut him free with her sword, and yanked him to the ground. For a few seconds that seemed to last forever, Aragorn experienced a horrible moment of temporal discontinuity. It seemed to him that, though he was lying flat on rock, he was also falling, tumbling over and over into the river....  
  
"OH NO YOU DON'T!" a female voice shouted. Krystal appeared by Siren's side. She kicked the legs out from under Siren with eye–blurring speed, then, before Aragorn knew what was going on or recovered from his confusion, Krystal shoved him off the cliff, muttering an apology. He relaxed. THIS was how it was supposed to go....By the time Siren got back on her feet, looking for revenge, Krystal had disappeared again.  
  
*************************************************  
  
The victorious Riders arrived at Helm's Deep, happily greeted by their wives and children. There were many more than in the movie, thanks to the skill and valor of the rider women. Siren and Theoden went into the main hall to discuss battle tactics.  
  
Once inside, they briefly discussed the best places to put which soldiers, which tactics would work best, and other similar things. Once they agreed that their plans for the defense of Helm's Deep couldn't be improved, Theoden stood up.  
  
"I thank you, Siren Goldenhelm, for aiding us so willingly."  
  
She smiled. "I would not have it any other way, lord. All peoples must unite against the Black Land, or they will fall." She turned to go, but Theoden put his hand on her arm. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen," he whispered. Siren felt a shiver of excitement; this was what she'd been waiting for. She blushed and looked down. "Thank you, my lord. You are undoubtedly the bravest, most noble King of the Riddermark that has been or ever will be," she replied, raising her stunning amethyst eyes to meet his not–so–spectacular blue ones. He ran a hand down her cheek; she laid hers on his shoulder. "I love you," she murmured. He moved closer. "As do I you, Siren Goldenhelm, fairest in the Riddermark." She slid her arms around his neck; he pulled her closer....  
  
The doors slammed open.  
  
*************************************************  
  
While all this had been happening, Krystal had not been idle. She knew that the Sue would seriously screw up the plotline if she was still around during the battle for Helm's Deep by keeping the Uruk–hai from blowing up the outer wall. She needed to get rid of the Sue, and fast. She had decided on on a weapon, but it required the presence and cooperation of a canon character to work. She dashed down to the lower levels, near the caves, where Eowyn was helping, organizing, and generally being useful. Krystal ran up and grabbed her by the arm. "You have to come with me. I need your help.!" she said as she tried to pull Eowyn towards the keep.  
  
"Wait. Who are you?" Eowyn asked. She hadn't seen this girl before, not even during the trip from Edoras. Krystal paused. "I'm....a friend. One who can send Siren Goldenhelm"–she half spat the name–"back where she came from. Come on! We have no time to lose!" Eowyn nodded. "Then I will help you." She followed Krystal up the long, sloping ramp that led to the hall. Krystal slammed the doors open theatrically with both hands. One of them bounced off the wall, however, and hit her in the ankle. She shouted in pain. "Aargh....Can't I have just ONE nice, dramatic entrance that doesn't go wrong?"  
  
Theoden, blushing slightly, turned to face the two irate women. "What is going on?" he asked. "Who is she?" he pointed at Krystal.  
  
"A friend," Eowyn and Krystal said in unison. "Just stay out of my way, all right?" Krystal continued. She turned to Siren, who looked very much like a slash author might if she found out that J.R.R. Tolkien was very much alive and armed with enough weapons to turn any minor dispute into World War III. Krystal walked slowly around the Sue, inspecting it. Her voice dripped with sugary malice. "Well, well, well. A Warrior Sue this time, hm? Well, we can't have that, can we?" Siren's terrified eyes followed Krystal like a mesmerized rabbit. Krystal stopped next to Eowyn who was watching with enjoyment. "I believe a little dose of....canonical reality is needed?" Krystal reached back into her bag and pulled out The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers.  
  
Siren gasped. "No! Not that! Anything but that!" Krystal nodded to Eowyn. "Whn I say, grab hold of the book and think hard about what life is really like." She held up the book. "Now!" A light seemed to grow from Eowyn. She gasped, but did not let go of the book. The light quickly expanded, then rushed around the room in a gust that everyone could feel but didn't disturb one particle of dust.  
  
The first thing to change about Siren was her hair. It became rough, untidy, and dirty. She felt her hair and screamed. "No! Please, I'll do whatever you want!" she begged. Krystal only smiled wider. "You twist Lord of the Rings, you pay the price." Dirt appeared all over Siren's body, courtesy of four days and more in the wild without washing. Her nails became jagged and dirty. She screamed in horror. Krystal wasn't done yet, however. Siren began shivering. She had never quite realized that the fewer clothes you wear, the colder you get. A last, final gust of reality resulted in Siren, unused to the actual weight of her anatomically impossible chest, overbalancing and falling flat on the floor. She lay there, curled up in a shivering, sobbing ball.  
  
Krystal smirked. "That's better, isn't it?" She walked around the crumpled heap again. "Eowyn? Would you do the honors?" She indicated Siren, and drew a finger across her neck. Eowyn's face broke into a smile. "It would be an honor." She stepped up to the Sue, who looked up with a tear– and dirt–streaked face.  
  
"Mercy?" she quavered. Eowyn didn't reply. She stuck her sword through the Sue, who evaporated into glitter.  
  
Krystal looked at Eowyn. "Thank you."  
  
"No, thank you for getting rid of her." Eowyn said. "I am glad my uncle is himself again." She turned to look at him. Theoden was sitting on the floor in shock, mentally going over the last few days. "Almost himself, anyways," she finished. She and Krystal shook hands.  
  
"So long, I suppose," Krystal said.  
  
"Goodbye. Good luck!" Eowyn said. Krystal waved and walked out the door., only to stop in shock.  
  
"Wormtongue?!"  
  
*************************************************  
  
I was rather cruel to the Sue, wasn't I? This is the list of suggested characters as it now stands: *Wormtongue (definitely next) *Celeborn (Definitely doing him soon) *Saruman (*shudder*) *Sauron (the backstory....like why he hates Sues so much) *Theodred (not too bad....) *Radagast (wow....obviously written by a serious bookie....) *Gandalf (*shudder*) *Galadriel (lesbian MS) *Elrond (*hopefully* In black leather?) *One or more of the Nazgûl  
  
I'm saving Gollum for the very end, since he's "the ultimate scary Sue- object" (thank you, kingmaker!). I'm sorry if I've overlooked someone's request-if I did, let me know.  
  
Remember, the little blue button is your friend. Click it. 


	6. Wormtongue

Title: Here they come...  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Summary: The characters from LotR experience their first Mary Sues and learn how to deal with them. So far, Faramir, Denethor, Gimli, Lurtz, and Theoden have been 'Sued. I will take requests....  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own LotR. I wish I owned Faramir or Glorfindel, but I don't. I only own Bob and sort of own Raven the Mary Sue, who is based on one of my friends. All else belongs to Tolkien the Almighty Author-Lord of Arda.  
  
Chapter 6 Summary: Wormtongue. I actually had a friend of mine volunteer to be the MS. Odd, huh. Oh well....  
  
REVIEW RESPONSES:  
  
littlegypsysquirrel: All right. You're in this chapter, though not as the MS. Just read it and see. It's strange....I never thought of you as a Gríma fan....  
  
Elven Mischief: I'm doing my best to keep Krystal from becoming a Mary Sue (i.e. the dramatic entrance gone wrong). She won't be romancing any of the characters, though.  
  
The Hobbit, the Horseman and the Orc: Well, you're entitled to your opinion. You like Lurtz? That's great! I was wondering how I could get rid of these....hands over three shirt-repelling Lurtz clones Hope you enjoy them more than I did.... The MS wasn't based on you. Feel free to wear whatever color you want when going after Uruks, as long as you don't do it in front of me. Feel free to think what you want, but I have a soft spot for Boromir, and I think he died like a hero; more like a hero than Lurtz did. I don't feel like arguing right now, though, so I'll just leave you to enjoy the clones.  
  
Lady FP of the Rings: Thanks!   
  
kingmaker: Thanks. The Silmarillion was worth it, though. Yes, with the Elves and Dwarves it's always hard to tell.... Yeah, after facing down Mary Sues, the Witchking's easy.... Stupid messed up dramatic entrances....that one was particularly painful.... Oh, yes, that's a good idea! I'd love to stick Tolkien in and have him deal with a Sue. I think that could be the climax, and he'll get rid of the Gollum Sue.... Eowyn will be back, definitely. Thank you so much for your devotion to my stories. Seriously, reading your reviews is the highlight of my week. hugs   
  
Author's Note: Meep! hides from all the impatient readers I know, I know, I took forever, but I had writers' block and I was really busy and my mother kept stealing the computer....but it's finally done! Yes, yes, I know it's short, but the next chapter will be nice and long, I promise.  
  
A special thanks to kingmaker for helping me get over my horrible case of writer's block. bows Thank you, thank you, thank you!  
  
"Wormtongue?!" Krystal stared at him and the impossibly beautiful girl next to him. "Oh, no....not him...." She stuck her head through the door behind her. "Eowyn!" she called. "We have another one....and you won't believe who she went after!" Eowyn walked out, and her jaw dropped. "Him?" she asked.  
  
Krystal nodded. "Yes." She took another look at the Sue. She looked strangely familiar....  
  
[flashback]  
  
Wormtongue rode through the forest, staring in amazement. It had only appeared a few minutes ago, and he was relatively sure both that Fangorn was the only forest remotely near Rohan, and that he was nowhere near there. Nevertheless, a forest it definitely was. Rather dark and creepy, but Gríma was no stranger to dark and creepy. He practically personified it.  
  
Suddenly, a random cliff loomed before him. He rode up to a section that seemed darker than the rest. Pushing aside some tree branches, he discovered an opening in the rock. He got off his horse, tied it to a tree, and slunk inside. Feeling his way along a wall, he went deeper inside. A voice spoke out of the darkness.  
  
"Who enters my cavern?" The voice was low, menacing, and seemed to come from every direction. Wormtongue looked panicky.  
  
"Who are you?" he asked the darkness. A low light grew in front of him. By the light he could see the outline of a girl, dressed in black. The light came from a phial she held her hands over. Her hair was raven-black, her eyes were like liquid darkness dotted with the glint of silver starlight. Her lips and fingernails were black, and she wore altogether too much eyeshadow for her own good. "I am Raven," she said. "But you still have not told me who you are, and why you are in my cave."  
  
"I am Gríma, sometimes called Wormtongue, former counselor to King Théoden," he answered.  
  
"If you serve Théoden, than why are you not by his side? This country is at war. Should you not be aiding your king?" she asked with a piercing stare.  
  
Wormtongue, as he looked on her incredible beauty, wondered. Why had he betrayed his king in the first place? For treasure? For the chance to get Éowyn? No treasure was more beautiful than the woman before him, and Éowyn didn't even come close. He hung his head. "I am ashamed to be what I am, now that I have seen you. I was the king's counselor, but I betrayed him. I wish now to be back by his side, fighting for the cause of right!" Wormtongue said. "I thank you for bringing me to my senses, Raven."  
  
Raven sighed to herself. She was such a sucker for changes of heart.... "Then I will come with you. I am not evil, but a friend of the shadows. If even a traitor such as you can find it in his heart to rejoin his king, than I too should be helping in what way I can, rather than watching from this cave." She stood up.  
  
Wormtongue smiled, his first true smile in who knows how long. "Then we will go to Helm's Deep!"  
  
[/end flashback]  
  
Krystal suddenly realized who the Sue reminded her of. "Caitlin?!" she asked incredulously. The Sue looked confused. Krystal advanced, grabbing the Sue by her leather choker. "Caitlin is your authoress. Am I right?" The Sue still looked confused. Krystal sighed. "Well, only one way to find out for sure." She released the Sue's collar and concentrated.  
  
There was a flash, and a dark-haired girl of seventeen appeared next to the Sue. Krystal nodded. "I thought so. Welcome to Helm's Deep, Caitlin."  
  
Caitlin looked around. She was standing in a stone fortress, next to her Sue creation and Wormtongue. In front of her, looking very irate, stood Éowyn and....Krystal?  
  
"Krystal? What are you doing here?" she asked.  
  
"Trying to protect the canon," Krystal replied. "What on Arda possessed you to write a Sue?"  
  
Caitlin grinned sheepishly. "Well, why not? He's evil, wears black, and just look at him! How can you not resist that face!"  
  
Krystal looks at Caitlin, then to Wormtongue, then back at Caitlin. "Pretty easily." She frowned. Krystal had quite a dilemma on her hands. If she eliminated the Sue, Caitlin would be completely crushed, but she couldn't allow this evil to run unchecked. Neither seemed like a good idea. What should she do? She didn't want to hurt her friend, but she had to keep the Sues at bay. Her musings were interrupted, however, when Éowyn growled and pulled out her sword.  
  
"I bet you think you're really clever, right?" she said menacingly. "Oh yes, let's just steal any boy we want, huh? Who can resist the charms of the oh-so-perfect, tortured-past, genetics-defying, mysteriously- appearing, ride-all-day-but-still-have-perfect-hair Mary Sue? Well, some of us don't appreciate you and your kind barging in and taking any man you want!" Éowyn ranted. "Even though he's a slimy little jerk, Wormtongue happens to be the only man who has ever noticed me! It's rather nice to have a guy throw himself at you, no matter how annoying the guy in question may be! But NO, you and your kind have to appear and steal everybody's hearts, and take away the only guy who's ever sent me flowers!"  
  
"He sent you flowers? Krystal asked. "I didn't think he was the type...."  
  
Éowyn shrugged. "It was a bunch of slightly wilted simbelmynë, but it was still nice of him! Now, Sue, you're going to pay for your infringement on my life." She raised her sword and brought it down on the Sue. "DIIIIIIIEEE!!!" The Sue dissolved into glitter. Wormtongue blinked a few times, looked around at all the grim-faced guards around him, made a little "eeep!" sound, and ran for his life.  
  
Caitlin looked rather sad for a moment, then shrugged and said, "Oh well, maybe I'll have better luck in another fandom" and disappeared. Éowyn sheathed her sword. "I'm glad that's dealt with," Krystal said. "Maybe I can take a break now...."  
  
No such luck.  
  
"Krystal! Krystal!" a voice shouted. Krystal turned around to see Rúmil riding up to the gate. She dashed down to meet him.  
  
"Rúmil, what's going on?" Krystal asked when she arrived. Rúmil sighed. "It's one of those dratted Sues again."  
  
"Another one?" Krystal asked. Many Sues tried to enter the Golden Wood, but few actually managed it. "Which kind? Is it another going after your brother Haldir, or one pretending to be Galadriel's long-lost daughter?"  
  
Rúmil shook his head. "It's worse than that, much worse."  
  
"Worse? How can it be worse than people showing up pretending to be my long-lost sister?" Krystal said, dread in her voice.  
  
"It can. One showed up two days ago, and everyone in Lothlorien was under her control within hours. I only just barely escaped."  
  
Krystal was growing impatient. "So, what's she after?"  
  
Rúmil sighed. "You're not going to believe it, but she's after Celeborn."  
  
It's done! It's finally done! I know, I left you with another To Be Continued kinda thing, but next chapter will be great, I promise! Reviews keep the updates coming.... 


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